Only in 2020 does Lady Human crush me like a grape in fantasy football. CRUSHED. LIKE. A. GRAPE. 

Like I’ve mentioned before, we play in two leagues together. I’ve volunteered her for both leagues — a 12-team standard league and a 10-team individual defensive player league. One is for money; the other is for bragging rights. 

I invest way too much time throughout the week reading about matchups and setting my lineups. Lady Human reserves roughly 20 minutes — I’m being generous — looking at her teams. Yet, in both leagues she has a WAY better team.

I know, it’s fantasy football, and generally, people don’t care to read about other people’s fantasy teams. I get it. I don’t like to either. But this is my space to rant.

We both made the playoffs in the bragging rights league. She corralled the No. 2 spot with an 8-4 record, while I slid in at No. 3, also with an 8-4 record (her team scored more points throughout the season). Only four out of the 10 teams make the playoffs in the league, and each playoff matchup lasts two weeks. As luck would have it, we are squaring off against each other in the semifinals. As long as her players don’t throw up goose eggs this week, I’m done for. 

Lady Human’s team — appropriately named Gizmo Alfredo in honor of our pup who died a year ago — jumped out to a 57.5-point lead after the first week. She rode Darren Waller’s historical performance to post a massive 233 points — a starting lineup consists of 16 players, so points are high in this league. Meanwhile, I got zero points from tight end Kyle Rudolph — my starting tight end Mark Andrews was out with COVID — and one point from Antonio Gibson, who left in the opening quarter with turf toe. 

I’m expecting to be crushed like a grape again in Week 14, which would move Lady Human closer to her first fantasy championship. Even though I am uber-competitive, I’m OK with that. It’s hard to get upset at the person who cooks you dinner and has pulled her weight walking the dogs the past week as I heal from my injury (look back at last week’s column for details). I must say, though, having stitches in the armpit is the absolute worst. My only other experience with stitches is when I was a kid and had a few placed on the top of my head after hitting a coffee table at my aunt’s house. My grandpa was watching me at the time and was worried, so he took me to the ER to get patched up. Momma Clarkston doesn’t even remember the event. It’s possible my grandpa bribed me to be quiet. 

I regress. In the money league, Lady Human also snagged the No. 2 seed with a 9-4 mark. I, on the other hand, missed the playoffs for the first time in that league. I finished two spots out of the playoffs at No. 8 with a 6-7 mark — the same record as the fifth and sixth seeds, but the catapulted me in total points.

I had the worst of luck in this league, losing a matchup by .5 points and another when both my running backs left in the first quarter with an injury.  

I’m hitching onto Lady Human’s team with my squad done (I’m in the consolation bracket but at this point out of the money). As one of the top two teams, she earned a first-round bye and is one win away from reaching the championship match and winning back the money that I forked over for her entry fee. DISCLAIMER: I have not helped her with lineup decisions, which is probably apparent since I failed to guide my team to the playoffs. 

WEEK 14

We have made it to Week 14. I went 10-5 last week and enter this week with a season record of 

MINNESOTA (6-6) at 

TAMPA BAY (7-5)

The wide receiver rookie class has been nothing short of fantastic this season, and leading the group is the Vikings Justin Jefferson out of LSU. Jefferson has replaced Stefon Diggs and hasn’t disappointed. He has racked up 1,039 yards and seven touchdowns on 61 receptions … Vikings 27, Buccaneers 21.

INDIANAPOLIS (8-4) at 

LAS VEGAS (7-5)

Las Vegas rolled a 12 on the craps table last week. How lucky did the Raiders get when the Jets’ defensive coordinator blitzed on a Hail Mary attempt? The Raiders connected. The defensive coordinator lost his job. Can Vegas keep rolling in a critical game against the Colts? I think so … Raiders 28, Colts 17.  

N.Y. JETS (0-12) at

SEATTLE (8-4)

What in the name of jelly beans happened last week to the Seahawks? It was an embarrassment losing to the N.Y. Giants in Seattle. Seattle is no longer a Super Bowl contender but has a tremendous get-right game against the winless N.Y. Jets. A loss to this N.Y. team would be even more embarrassing. I don’t expect that to happen. Russell Wilson will look more like early-season Russell Wilson in this one … Seahawks 38, Jets 10.    

PITTSBURGH (11-1) at 

BUFFALO (9-3)

The members of the 1972 Miami Dolphins can rest easy. Pittsburgh suffered its first loss of the season in Week 13 to the Washington Football Team. What a prime-rib-kind-of-week it was for the NFC East, knocking off both the Steelers and the Seahawks. Now the Steelers travel to a Buffalo squad that sprinted past the 49ers … Steelers 28, Bills 27.  

BALTIMORE (7-5) at

CLEVELAND (9-3)

Another sign that anything can happen in 2020 — the Cleveland Browns will finish the season with a winning record. A winning record! The last time the Browns authored a winning season was in 2002. This is a big Monday night game for the Ravens, who are sitting outside the playoff race. Lamar Jackson looked better last week against Dallas, but everybody does … Ravens 32, Browns 28.

Other games:

Texans 28, Bears 17

Cowboys 34, Bengals 24

Panthers 24, Broncos 17

Titans 45, Jaguars 14

Chiefs 31, Dolphins 17

Giants 21, Cardinals 20

Chargers 42, Falcons 35

Packers 33, Lions 22

Saints 27, Eagles 10

49ers 21, Football Team 17

       

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